When Someone Important is Absent | By Mandy Brown

I’ve started calling it a special club. It’s a club that no one wants to be a part of, yet you feel a certain sense of relief when you come across someone else who is a member. I am referring to the group of people who have lost a parent at a young age. Only members in the club can truly understand how you feel on holidays and special occasions when you really wish that parent was with you. I am part of that club; my mom passed away in 2004 when I was 18 after fighting a 9 year battle with Breast Cancer.

When we were planning our wedding, I knew it wasn’t going to be the easiest thing to do without my mom with me. I count myself so fortunate to have the supportive family that I do with my Dad, Step-Mom, Aunt and cousin ready to be there for me when I needed it. For myself, I wanted to avoid certain places that would be too emotional for me (ex. The church I grew up in where her service was held), and wanted to be able to recognize her in a way that would be meaningful to the memory I have of her. For me, it was being able to bring in a few pieces that would have special meaning to me. I grew up across the street from our wedding venue, the Grosse Pointe Yacht Club, and would go there on special occasions with family (side note: we grew up believing the Tooth Fairy lived in the tower). Because it had yellowed and there were some large holes, I wasn’t able to wear her wedding veil that day. However, my aunt was able to make my bouquet wrap out of it and she even gave me a photo of her from her memory bracelet to have as well. I wore a bracelet that belonged to my mom, that was given to my grandma after she passed and then given to me as a wedding present. My nephew carried a sign during the ceremony with a quote from one of my favorite movies, Princess Bride, which was one of the first classics my mom introduced to me. We had Chic Ink, who did all of our on-site paper goods, make a special sign we had set with a candle at the ceremony recognizing those who were not physically present with us. The sign and bouquet wrap are now a part of a shadow box I have in our living room.

Couples will ask us for ideas on ways we have seen other weddings recognize missing loved ones. While there are tons of examples out there on Pinterest, my best advice is to stay true to who they were and find a way to do it in a way that will mean the most to you and your family. That could mean a memory table, taking a photo with a photo of them, saving a seat for them in the ceremony, a special reading, doing a donation in lieu of favors to a charity that is meaningful or including songs throughout the day that hold a special meaning for them.

Maybe it’s just pure luck, but this year I feel like I have been given the opportunity to work with quite a few couples where at least one of them has lost a parent. Wedding planning involves so many people in your life, and when one parent isn’t there to share it with you, it can feel like your special day just isn’t complete without them. I know I will never be able to fill that void for a couple, however it is my hope that they know they have a confidant in me as one of the few who truly understands what they are going through. If that means venting about how much this sucks, having someone to share a memory with or just needing a moment to cry quietly with someone, I am here for you.

~Mandy

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